Tag Archives: #feelings

The Student Life.

Happy Friyay!!!

I am not sure if I mentioned it in an earlier post, which I am sure I did, I took a teacher’s assistant/aide course this year.  I took this online course because I thought it would be a good idea at the time and that eventually I would find a job at a local school and have the same hours and holidays as my daughter.  It really was genius.  Why didn’t I think of this before I wasted 5 grand on medical transcription?  Because I thought being an MT was the right choice at the time.

So here is the deal…

Before I had my daughter, I went to college for web/graphic design.  I absolutely loved it.  I thrived in this program and I had such big dreams.  But after I had my daughter, I ended up moving out of the city and now, where we currently reside, there is nothing here.  Yes, I know there is such thing as online and the internet.  Here is the shittiest part, the laptop that I had with all my designs and what not, yeah, that shit the bed, and dumb ass me did not have an external hard drive to save that shit, so I had no portfolio to provide clients and companies with.  Fuck me, right?  I mean, yes, I could probably do some samples up and make a page for it right here.  Hell, that might not be that bad of an idea.  Anyways, but I hope you see what I was getting at.  I did do some work for this group of friends down from the states for their web show but that did not go far and somehow lost touch.  (I am not a Facebook person and do not have an account.)  I also did a few pieces of work for a friend down in Ohio (I believe) for his band and one of my designs ended up on t-shirts and that was such an amazing feeling.  Since, the band broke up and went separate ways.

Okay, before we go any further, yes I do photography.  I never went to school for it, it just came naturally to me.  I could make money off of it also but if you think about it, there are SO many photographers out there as it is and it is a huge competition, especially even where I live.  Plus, I don’t do like kids portraits or family portraits, weddings, etc.  Not my forte.  If I could, which again I know I can, I would take my best shots, put them on canvases of different sizes and sell them or display them at a gallery.  Oh, the dream.  It is a bit harder to also have this dream in my region.  Maybe I will look into it eventually.

Back in 2015, I decided to take a medical transcription course.  It was an online course and VERY time consuming and difficult at times.  I enjoyed it because I found it to be very challenging and I am always up for a challenge.  Plus, what could be better than being a independent contractor and working from home?  And I knew I would kick ass because I am tech savvy, so I know computers and programs quite well.   The nerd in me comes out.  And my typing skills are undeniably amazing.  Not to brag but this cat can type up to 70 wpm minimum.  About halfwayish through my course, I ended up being diagnosed with cancer, and survived a pulmonary embolism.  I finished my practicum and course on time and graduated with honours.  I applied right away after I was done with an online company.  I was pretty stoked.  All was well at the beginning and I was getting to know the doctors voices, their standards, yadda yadda yadda.  But the real shitty thing was that they paid only like a dollar per audio minute and apparently I was not meeting quota.  I was confused as I was taught quality over quantity but I guess that was not what they really wanted.  So, after 3 months and only making just a little over 600$, I fucking quit.  And to find any on-site work in my area is nil.  So, fuck it.  Waste of 5 fucking grand.  Unless I move, which won’t be happening anytime soon.

Now, this past year, April, after much thought, I decided, “HEY!!!  Why not taking a teaching assistant course online and get a job at one of the schools and get the same hours and holidays as my kid???  Great idea!!!!  Let’s DO IT!!!!!”  So I did.  It only is costing me 49 dollars a month, so definitely cannot complain.  Good course, lots of reading….let me rephrase that….TONS of reading but overall decent course.  I wish it was not so based on American education system, laws, etc.  But, whatever, not the end of the world.  I took my sweet time with the course but just finally finished it like a few days back when I finished the final project for the program and sent it off for marking.

So, it is the end of the week and I am still waiting for it to be marked.  I should also mention the project was fucking stupid and I mean, REALLY stupid.  They asked for a 500-800 word essay, which I did not mind but the subject of it was ridiculous.  They wanted me to write about paraprofessionals aka teacher’s aides in my current state and what are the requirements and is there further education and training needed, and whatever else.  I do not live in the US, so I improvised and still made it work.  But you would think the essay would be about what you have learned throughout the course and why have you chose this specific profession but NOOOOOO.  I am hoping this essay will be marked next week and I can move on.  The shitty thing is, in my area, HIGH fucking competition for this job also.  Because all the mums here want to help at the fucking schools.  Seriously, kill me now.  So, as you can guess, there are currently no job openings for teacher’s aide in my region.  A big FUCK YOU to that.

I do volunteer at my daughters school, more so her class, whenever I get a chance to just so I can add that to my resume if there happens to be an opening.  I am also currently volunteering twice to three times a week at our local library in hopes to also get a job there.  The library is my most favourite place to be and I would do anything to work there.  I would like to eventually, no judgements, go back and get my library technician or become a librarian.  Which I could be doing right now but someone said no, so.  I would be super crushed, if when a position becomes available at the library, that why hire someone else instead of me, especially when I have put so much of my own time into helping them out.  But I guess we will see what happens.

I might have mentioned that I wanted to write a book.  I started.  I got a page but I am not feeling it.  I don’t think it shows me.  I think my blogs show me more, so maybe that should be put back on the back burner.

That is my rant for today.  I regret not going straight to university after high school.  The economy here fucking sucks dick.  And apparently, I shouldn’t be putting anymore money into education for yours truly.  Fuck.  Whatever.

Hope y’all have a great weekend.  Stay warm.  Stay safe.  Thank you for listening.  And, please, feel free to comment if you ever like, I will reply back.





When Things Just Don’t Go Your Way

Has it ever happened to you that something just does not go your way?  Yeah, same.  Sometimes it seems like it happens more than just once or twice in a week.

Radek (husband) has developed a huge interest and love for PCs aka desktops, personal computers, whatever you want to call them.  And now he is at the point where he can build them.  He built our current one that we have.  It is custom built and glorious.  He recently purchased parts to build another one.  Everything came in and once he got home from work, right after dinner, he started working on it.  Well, about 4 hours later, he plugged everything in, monitor, keyboard, mouse, etc., and there were set back and problems.

First, it did not want to turn on which was strange as the green light on the motherboard indicated that the main switch was on and it was ready to go.  The fans started up as he pressed the power button but stopped shortly after.  Then he was testing out the SATA cables and ports and after a few tries, we finally had success and the computer started.  He took it right away to the BIOS screen and there turned out to be another problem.  Yes, just our luck.  The SATA ports on the motherboard kept saying empty, so in tech talk, that means that the motherboard was not recognizing the hard drives.  Major bummer.  He thought it was the cables again and even ended up buying new SATA cables and all over again, the same thing.  Empty.  No recognition of hard drives.

At this point, we knew it was something else rather than just the cables.  It had to be faulty SATA ports on the motherboard itself.  Major fucking bummer.  But on the other hand, the motherboard is packed up with a new label to be sent back for a refund and he ended up ordering a new motherboard with a new power supply because “they were both really good deals, especially that power supply.”  Men and their toys.  I will leave him to it.

So in the end, all that excitement for nothing.  This has happened before with our first computer when we first got it.  We ordered everything through NCIX, which is a great place for all your tech needs, and they first assembled our computer there, we just picked the parts.  When it came in finally, we got all fucking stoked and all, and on start up, it would take it straight to the BIOS screen and just something was not right, so we had to send it back.  I do not remember exactly what the issue was then but it was very disappointing.

Have you ever been excited about something and in the end it was a let down?  Doesn’t have to be materialistic, maybe yours is about someone who was coming to visit and never did or wasn’t able to make it last minute?  Maybe the food you ordered at a new restaurant seemed liked a good idea and in the end it was not?

If you have anything similar to share, please do, I would love to hear your story.

Thank you for listening to mine.

Happy Hump Day!






To whomever reads my blogs,

Question. I am always baffled when it comes to thinking of titles for my blogs. Any advice? Thank you ahead of time.

Today Jody starts her new level of swimming lessons and is pumped. Turns out also great for us that after swimming is done, there is a parent/tot swim for an hour after and after that there is a public swim for 2 hours. By the end of summer this kid will be a freaking mermaid.

Lately though I feel a bit lost, overwhelmed, I don’t know. Everything all at once. Over a week ago, I told myself that I would wake up at 6AM every day….yeah…not so much. I should change that to maybe 6:30 as it doesn’t seem so drastic as 6.

I have been slacking with my school/course, whatever you want to call it. Good thing there really is no time line to follow but I should get my ass into gear. But it’s fucking summer and I want to do other things.

You know, I never understand how women with more than one kid do shit. Actually, do anything. I have it pretty good with mine but with all these other things and projects and what not I have going, it’s quite the balance of things that seems to be unbalanced.

My post is all over the place, so my apologies.

Before I forget, I am considering of writing a book. I cannot decide what kind of book but I want it to be a bit different than what is out there already which makes it that much harder. So I am very open to any ideas or opinions or anything else for that matter.

10:01AM here and this cat has to run.

Happy Monday Bloggers!!!




It’s Been A While.

It’s been a while since my last blog.  I almost feel like I lost myself there for a while.  Overwhelmed?  Maybe.  Busy?  Always.  But it is definitely time to get back on track.

Alright, so the past couple of months have been eventful-ish.  I had an oncologist appointment back in May, which went very well.  I also had an appointment with my gynecologist, which also went well.  Jody “graduated” from preschool and also passed her swimming lessons.  I also had surgery a couple of weeks back and had a couple of long weekend visitors for the Canada Day long weekend.  I will admit though, I have been slacking with my schooling, and now I am kicking my ass to get back into that groove also.  I have so much reading to do, it is not even a joke.

So, here we are in July; almost mid-July…CRAZY SHIT!!!  Where is the time going?  Anyways.  Weather wise, it has been super lovely and great.  Some days did get a bit hot but this Mama got a mad tan going.  Last year I was not able to enjoy the outdoors as much, but we will get into that at a another time.

So yes, Jody had a preschool “graduation”, it was super cute.  That day I made a quick stop at a friends place to drop off an item for her and on the way to town, Jody got a bit of motion sickness.  At first, I thought it was something she ate but when I recalled the last 24 hours, it didn’t make sense until I saw that she was looking at a book while I was driving.  Luckily, I am always prepared and keep a garbage (really a small bucket) on the floor in the backseat incase of anything, like this, happening.  I handed it to her but nothing happened.  Once we reached the school and she got out and stood up and got some fresh air, her tummy subsided and by the time we went in she was fine.

There was pictures, food, beverages, etc.  Your typical gathering.  Nothing too fancy as it’s a small area.  I am very happy she had a wonderful experience this past year and even more so happy that she is super pumped for kindergarten in the fall.  Actually, just the other day I ordered her a new and much larger backpack and she just loves it.  Well done Mama, well done.

I guess it is about the time now I discuss and explain the surgery I had a couple of weeks back.  It was a simple procedure, only day surgery.  Okay, Okay.  I had a laparoscopic bilateral salpingectomy done.  Whomever is reading this is probably thinking, “holy fuck, what a mouthful.”  In simpler terms, I had both of my fallopian tubes removed completely.  Not partially, but the whole damn thing.  They got evicted.  This is why I saw my gyno back in May.  I am not a birth control sort of person especially when it fucks with your hormones.  No thank you.  Plus, we HATE condoms.  Also, from my previous post, I made it quite clear that we are proud parents of one child policy only.

I am glad my gynecologist is very understanding and was able to help me with this.  As soon as he mentioned removing my tubes completely, a bell went off in my head and I knew I had to do this.  There is also a benefit from it, especially for me, which prevents me from getting ovarian cancer.  So fuck it, I took one for the team.

Like I said, simple surgery.  I was in and out of the hospital within 6 hours.  I walked my ass out of there and managed to get into our truck even.  Hardcore, I know.  I am and always will be 1000% sure that I don’t want anymore children and neither does my husband.  And no one will ever change my mind.

So here I am, finally blogging, finally getting reading done for school, finally waking my ass up at 6 AM, and finally getting back in to the groove of things.  I feel like I should really make a daily schedule.  It would probably make things easier.  Starting in the fall, life will be getting pretty busy and I might as well start getting into the loop of things now and start getting adjusted.

As for the ton of reading part, I should continue that.

Happy Monday!




Two Days!!

I just realized it has been two days since my last post.  Everything is a little hectic at my house this week.  We are doing a lot of spring cleaning, both inside and outside the house.  Okay, I will admit, I am having a bit of writer’s block again.  I had a moment to sit down right now to write a little something.

Today, I finally got around to cleaning both of Jody’s rooms.  Spoiled much?  No.  She has a bedroom, a jack and jill bathroom which connects to her ‘living room’, as she calls it.  This way she has her own play area and a place to watch cartoons and Netflix.  We do not plan on having any more children so she is and will be an only child.  We are and have always taught her that she can’t have everything she wants and the world does not revolve around her.  She loves to share, so she is not a brat at all.

I also got around to organizing and tidying up the living room area, so that makes me feel so much better considering I am a bit of a neat freak.  I need an organized house at all times and it is a bit of a tougher trait to teach a 5-year-old.  Regardless, she is pretty tidy herself.

Radek’s mum and my uncle are coming back from Vancouver Island this week so I think we will be heading to visit them this weekend at some point.

I wanted to take Jody out for another walk today BUT it had to be windy as fuck outside and it’s not that it bothers me, what bothers me is that it is freaking cold.  Apparently the next couple of days, especially tomorrow, we will be getting about 10 mm of rain.  It will be nice to wash away leftover snow and bring some moisture.

I really don’t know what to else to say today but I promise I will brainstorm and have some good stuff come along the way here shortly.  I should run though, so have a good hump day!!!




Story of My Life: Part Two

Sunday, last day of the weekend, what a shame.  I ended up not writing yesterday because we ended up getting busy doing some yard work and all.  Back to the grind today.

We officially moved to Canada in 1992/93.  My mum and I moved in with her aunt and uncle up in the northwest of Alberta.  Being about 6 years old and seeing snow for the first time was absolutely fascinating.  I remember there was SO much snow that it was probably about 4-5 feet tall.  AMAZING!!!  I am not sure how long at this point that we had been living with them, but the government found out and gave my mum three choices, to take a citizenship test, marry a Canadian, or be deported back to Poland.  I personally think she chose the wrong choice and went with marrying a Canadian that her uncle had introduced her to that lived down the road from us and within a matter of a couples weeks or so they got married.

You could imagine as a kid, I was pissed.  Not enough there was tons of moving around, but then a divorce and not seeing my dad anymore and POOF!, then she gets remarried to someone she barely knows.  She says she did it for me, but she could have just as easily taken the test too.  But what do I know, right?  I was just a kid.  If it was me, I would have done things differently.  We eventually ended up moving in with him.

I think after all this, my life got twisted upside down.  I didn’t feel like I was part of anything anymore.  Before I go on, I should mention there will be some deep memories coming out.  Some pretty dark ones too.  Also, there might be some graphic (not too graphic) content also.

Before I go on, I should mention there will be some deep memories coming out.  Some pretty dark ones too.  Also, there might be some graphic (not too graphic) content also.

I grew up in an alcoholic and abusive environment.  My mum would physically and mentally abuse me.  This occurred mostly on a daily basis.  It got really bad at times.

**Memory – I remember once my aunt and uncle were gone somewhere and it was just me and her at the house.  She was off cleaning or doing something.  Does anyone recall a show called Rescue 911?  Good show.  I remember watching it as a kid and this one day I decided to call 911 just out of curiosity.  Now, don’t ask me why I would call 911 if there was no emergency but I just did.  I ended up telling the operator that I had made a mistake and everything was okay and hung up.  After a few minutes or so, my mum ended up coming in from outside and the phone had rung.  She answered and it was the operator calling back, asking her questions and making her well aware that I had ended up calling them.  I knew right away I was in major trouble.  She got off the phone and found me hiding.  Instead of being a loving angry parent, she became something that was not loving at all and demonic.  I remember her not only screaming at the top of her lungs but hitting me, and hitting me really hard.  Not on the butt for discipline but she would hit me so hard in the face, my head, and she would pinch so hard that it left bruises behind.  This seemed like it lasted an eternity, and she left me crying, bawling, on the floor.  That is the day I remember my nightmare of a childhood had begun.**

So we were living in this huge house but it needed a ton of work done in order to be completely finished.  The main floor needed a paint job, the ceilings, the upstairs was wall-less, etc….like this house would have been a beautiful home if more TLC was put into it to finish it.  The house had/has so much potential.  But it was a roof over our heads so I guess I couldn’t complain.  The driveway to this house was like a 1 km long or so, pain in the ass to walk to the bus in the winter when cold and the snow was drifting.  It was a nice property, a bit too far from town but still very lovely and quiet.  At this time of my life, I hate it, and everything else.

I have to cut off here as I have a bunch of stuff to get done before Jody’s friend’s birthday party but stay tuned.

Have a great Sunday!




Story of My Life.

Happy Friday!!

I think I have a bit of writer’s block today so I am starting a series story about myself.  With this, I plan to open up and reveal me.  So let’s get started.

My name is Agnieszka Klaudia Szawerdo and I was born on Saturday, January 4th, 1986 in Gorzow WLKP, Poland.  Both of my parents at the time were really young, my mum was 17 almost 18 and my dad was 19.  They were not married yet but ended up getting married later on in ’86.  From what I have been told was that we lived with my grandma (mum’s mum) and grandpa and their three-week-old new son.  You read that right, I had an uncle who was only three weeks older than myself.

We didn’t live in a house.  We lived in an apartment and I guess we made it work.  Eventually, my parents wanted a better and brighter future for us, or whatever their thought process was, and we ended up moving to Vienna, Austria.  I was about 2 or 3 years old when we moved.  I believe we lived in Vienna for about a year or so.  The crazy thing is I do have some scattered memories from Vienna.  I remember there was this street we went down, must have been a festival of a sort going on and there was a lot of people.  What I remember the most was there was this HUGE King Kong (fake of course but looked so real) behind this half cage and if I recall correctly, he freaking moved his arms and mouth and eyes and made sounds.  Scary as fuck, especially for a 3-year-old.

From my knowledge and what I have been told was that my dad wanted to move us to Australia but they rejected us and I think it had something to do with my dad though because Canada at the time rejected us also.  So, we ended up moving to Dallas, Texas, USA, The Lonestar State.  I have a lot more memories from living in the US than I did back home in Europe.

Funny thing is, I never knew and until this day, I still have no freaking idea what my dad does for work.  But regardless he worked somewhere.  My mum ended up working also and she worked at Ralph Lauren.  Living in Dallas was HOT.  When we first moved there, we lived in an apartment but it was a nice apartment.  We didn’t have much but as a kid, hell, as long as you have a roof over your head, food in your tummy, clothes on your back, a bed, and parents, you are golden.  But at the same time, I had no idea what was going on behind closed doors.

I think to a certain time and point in their relationship, they were in love with each other and were happy.  I do know though that my dad did cheat on my mum.  When it comes to cheating, I think there has to be a reason why someone cheats.  I  am not saying I approve of cheaters and cheating but you don’t just cheat for the fun of it unless you are a complete heartless asshole who does not give a shit about other peoples feelings.  Then again, okay, he is cheating so why stay with the guy?  She would always tell me “because I was so in love with him.”  I call bullshit.  I think she was completely dependent on him.  I also was made aware that he did hit her a few times.  Yes, I also think there has to be a reason to be hitting someone, again, unless you are a complete asshole and do shit like this for funzies.  In the end, as you may already know, this did not end well and they ended up divorcing.

Before the divorce, when my mum thought everything was fine, she found out that grandma (her mum) was up in Canada visiting her family we had there.  My dad ended up buying us plane tickets to Canada for us to go visit.  Little did my mum know at the time that he sent us off so he could figure out his plan and get divorce papers and what not.  All I know is before we headed back to Dallas from Canada, he ended up calling my mum saying that he wanted a divorce, he was seeing someone, and that he sold everything that was in the apartment, so meaning everything from beds to clothes, etc.  Now, mind you, I have heard only really one side of this entire story from my mum and personally, I think she over exaggerated a lot of it and I think she may have lied about certain things.

Anyways, we ended up coming back to the US and we moved in with one of my mum’s guy friends who was a genuine person but he was not my dad and definitely not my mum’s type.  I remember he was nice and he would have given us the world if my mum would have made a relationship work with him.  We ended up living with him for a good year until my mum’s and dad’s divorce was finalized.  After that, we ended up moving to Canada.

Okay, I am stopping here haha because I said I would make this into a series story, so if you want to know more I will be continuing tomorrow.  Enjoy the rest of your Friday.  Relax.  Have a glass of wine, beer, joint, whatever tickles your fancy.  As for me, I am going on to play Sims 3 for a bit and then hitting up the treadmill.  See you tomorrow.




**PS.  I promise I will post a couple of pictures along with my entry tomorrow.**